Flash Fiction Contest Loser
by S.V. Farnsworth
I’ve never written Flash Fiction before. To be honest, I didn’t think I could do it at all, but here’s the losing entry I submitted to Janet Reid, Literary Agent’s blog contest. Tell me if it stinks like peanut butter.
I discovered the remains of a snack bag wedged in the emergency exit. School was out but someone had a lesson to learn. I leaned down to pick up the trash. Bits of pretzel bites oozed peanut butter. My nostrils flared and I pulled back. Any closer and I’d end up in the hospital.
I should have let it go, but a gust of wind blew in. The pretzels had stopped the door from closing. Why hadn’t the alarm gone off? Stepping in the mess, I pressed open the cold steel portal to find a gun between my eyes. Bam!
I know; (self-criticism) melodrama, purple prose, “Bam!” really?! Ha ha ha! Oh, well. I had fun. I’ll do better next time. Because I had fun there will be a next time. Happy Writing!
I really just think it was the ending. I think you should give it another shot somewhere. My suggestion would be to juxtaposition the peanut allergy and the gun, maybe question fate a bit, and leave the finality as a choice between fending off the gunman or fighting anaphylactic shock.
Actually, I guess the reference to being in a school threw me off a little. Is the MC being robbed? Is this a very specific encounter?
Flash fiction is hard because we have so little space to tell the essence of a story. Give this puppy some elbow grease and I'd think it should shine!
Brady Frost, you made my day! Thank you for your comments. I think you are right about the last bit. There should have been a twist. "Drop!", "Duck!", or "Jelly!" would have been better. Oh, "April Fools!" would do. All playfulness aside. Here's the new ending. "I pressed open the steel portal to discover flames haloed by bright white light. Falling!" I hope you like it. Thanks again for commenting.
I was intrigued by the peanut butter and pretzels. (There's a children's book about purple peanut butter which thought has stuck with me and peanut butter will never be the same for me). I'm not sure what your word count maximum was for your entry, but I would have left out the Bam! and let the reader to their own musings🙃